Tuesday, November 20, 2007

a time for thanksgiving

Wow. STILL DRYWALLING! Thank God for my wife. She bought me a heavy duty power sander that has made it much faster.

I can say that next time I will subcontract it out for sure. I would rather take a second job to pay for it than do this again.

Well i have come to a crossing in the road...I have decided to make the plunge and convert. I am sure it is the spiritual path i need to take. There are many options and I have to focus my thoughts and prayers to recognize what is my true path.

This is difficult. One thing I do not want is to make a mistake in my journey. I fear being blinded by the glitter and losing my path.

Wonder if this makes sense to any of you. Feel free to let me know.

Sunday, October 28, 2007


This was a good weekend. We managed to find some time to have fun. I have continued my drywalling work upstairs. Difficult at best if you are new at it. I am finishing the master bedroom and have about 30% to go. Then when all is sanded down and baby smooth comes painting. Have to apply primer and then finish coat. It is a lot of hard work.

We decided that the Master bedroom will be baby blue. The girls room will be a light pink. Boys room will be a deeper blue, with trains as a theme.

My path towards becoming mormon has been slowed by intense work and home. I rarely find the time to do any reading, or even listening.

I am trying to get my D&C on my MP3 player so I can listen while I work, but of course, I lost the software for it. Calling Creative Labs this week to fix that. I figure if I can learn while I work I can make progress again.

Now the good news, aside from a baby on the way, is my wife MIGHT be willing to make some compromises in regards to bringing in a Second Wife. I hope to talk to her more about it today whilest we are working.

I know this much. I have been tasked with too much and I have to do something to help. My wife was overwhelmed long ago and I need to rescue her from this. The real question is, in my heart, will she let me do that? Will she let me grow celestially? Will she allow me to help her with a second wife? Will God make this happen?

Wish I could read HIS mind. I ask for your prayers. This is a turning point in our lives and it will either become far better or far worse. May God choose the better path for us. Please, ask him to.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Wow what a week!

Well things improved more business wise. I am looking at potential growth all over. Record sales this month. I hope to expand my company to other areas. I am hoping God brings me the answer I pray for.

Why do I not feel joy? Why am I not feeling happiness? For me, well, I know already a second wife is a sane, logistical, spiritual and morally valid choice. I hope my wife's heart is touched by God in the same way my soul has been touched. I do not think she realizes what she is choosing.

Praying I have someone still to share that joy with. With all that Moses endured, he was blessed with a second wife. I have endured and continue to endure a great deal. Every fiber in my body calls for a second wife. I feel God is almost PUSHING me that way regardless of the currents through which I swim.

I do not understand what God has in mind...but I pray it still includes my wife. Another miracle in my life is that now we have a new child on the way. Ever been struck at exactly the same time with intense joy and intense sadness? I am immensely happy that God has given us another child, but I have trepidation about this child's future and happiness.

That, brothers and sisters, is my life today.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Vacation is over!

Went to North Carolina to see the Pisgah National Forest. Whole family went. We enjoyed camping there. Peace and it was just us.

We did some hiking although with 4 kids there it was not as long as I would have liked...but we all hiked up a mountain trail to a historical graveyard. This was a family graveyard where you saw a mother and a 1 year old who died on the same day. Knowing that kind of makes you remember that it is important to appreciate what you have.

Tempus fugit, memento mori!

On that note I feel considerably better than before. I have now so much on my plate, it is almost impossible to fathom.

I am convinced God wants me to have a second wife. I am now convinced he also has placed this as a learning challenge before me. I am praying I am up to it. I am praying my wife will accept it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

sinking feeling....

Well things are busy as heck. Just landed another good contract, that makes 2 this month alone. I am finally going to have a company with absolutely no debt! In America today? Who would have thought it possible?

My youngest daughter is walking now. She gives 5 minute hugs. She talks a storm. My older daughters are doing good with school. My sons are growing too fast.

Drywalling project almost done. Worst is over. Now spackling and sanding and painting are all that remain.

I go on short vacation to camp in the fall mountains with family and that is fantastic too!

Only thing is I feel a sinking sort of feeling. I feel a bit depressed. I know, I know, everything looks at face value like it is going ok. I stopped for a bit to 'look inside myself' today and found that although everything else is moving forward and making progress, I AM NOT.

I seek for our family a second wife. It is for spiritual reasons, logistical reasons and logical reasons. It is for my own personal psychology and development too. I wonder if it will happen.

Where is a relationship, without compromise.

So my question to you all is, is there a marriage where one person decides and compromise does not exist? When a relationship is dying for lack of compromise, what can you do to bring that back. I am waning. I am draining. I hope my heart makes it through this.

I feel depressed.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

letting things settle...

I have taken your advice and the advice of a close friend and decided to take this whole process slow. I am taking extra care and time in showing my wife how much I love her and how important she is in my life.

I am praying that she realizes she could never be replaced. I am sure she knows I love her. I am hoping that she realizes a second would not change that in any way other than to strengthen our relationship even more than it is now.

I am trying to be patient and praying almost daily for her understanding. I love her. She loves me. God please touch her with understanding.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

rocks and bumps

Wow, well my first wife and I have had a good turn of luck this week. We are renovating the house. We were awarded a grant that will make this 1885 house up to date in energy respects. This means new windows, gas water heater, up to date insulation and more. This is huge.

I have read your comments. They were mostly helpful.

I have to learn patience. I will continue to express love to my first wife and pray for God's help.

I have to follow my faith. Perhaps it is a lesson in patience that God is trying to teach me.

I have never been a patient man. It is one of my weaknesses.

I love my first wife. The people asking me why I need/want a second wife do not comprehend or know of the Principle. To first wives out there...keep good advice coming. I am an unusual husband....I can actually listen!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

rocky road

It has been a difficult week. My wife has had serious second thoughts regarding my faith and my quest for achieving the Principle.

I lost the person who I was engaged to. She, rightfully, left the scene when confronted by my first wife.

I hope this will pass. I fear it will not. I love her deeply. I pray she accepts me for who I am. On the one hand I love my wife. On the other hand, her action just ended an engagement.

God, please help me through the difficult times in my life.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Hard work and a future

Well I have been working hard on home improvement. With a concensus now amount the first wife, the second wife candidate and myself, we now have a mission plan that is viable and attainable. The resources are not as solid as I would like, but then that is one of my jobs to fix. I am head of household and an engineer. I will be working on that part.

OK, gads, is there any doubt from that first paragraph that I have a military background? LOL.

I have to hang drywall. I have to re-wall the upstairs bedrooms and ceilings. The challenge is not too great. When the work is completed we will be ready to rent our house here out. The intent is to purchase a new home farther north. It will be far larger and more able to absorb our family, with 6 bedrooms 3 baths and full basements. It is a duplex. You see, what we have learned is that it is easier to raise a plural family in a duplex. Just take out the center wall...LOL. It will also be easier, when the children have mostly gone to college, to put the wall back up and to rent out the other side.

My faith studies have progressed. I was reviewing the Doctines and Covenants again, since I have come so far, I figured a little review for the sake of context would be a good thing.

I am sure of one thing. Joseph Smith was a real man and a leader. He faced adversity and did not compromise his principle beliefs and listened to what God told him to do. If you say anything about the man, that would be the most important thing. I hope to hear God one day. I have lots of questions, but then I always have been the curious one. I have several questions about my lost son.

Moving forward with God and now, a Plan.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Healing and Growing

It has been a difficult week. Work has been intense. My studies slow going. Mentally today I feel some healing. Hard as it is to believe, even now I mourn the loss of my first son. It is nearly 8 years since he passed and he would be 13 right now had he lived.

I feel the life I have is growing all around me. Spiritually I am growing day by day as I start to see more and more of how God is in my life. The Healing I speak of is clear. Although I miss my son dearly, I have continued to grow and move forward. I feel deeply for those who have not. The big difference is I KNOW in my HEART that he is OK. He is in a better place. This testimony i have is based on what I have experienced with seeing God in my life now and in the lives around me.

For an engineer that lives in a black and white world of engineering facts and principles, that is a pretty big testimony.

I will strive to continue to learn more. I will strive to turn the other cheek, as Jesus did. I will not let the bigotry and flaws of man bother me in my quest to be closer to the Lord, and my son.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Joseph Smith and the past

Joseph Smith and the people he spiritually led were desciminated against.

What I have learned is that Mormons are in fact Christians. Joseph Smith was a prophet contacted by God and that is not unlike what I have seen in other Christian faiths. In the Catholic Church there have been sitings of the blessed Virgin Mary. Many recent.

I know that it is hard for some Christians to accept Mormons as Christian but at this time in my study I see little dramatic difference.

Follow Christ. That is the bottom line.

I continue my path towards priesthood and mormon education.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Happiness is...

...Finding that second wife, accepted by all in the family, and watching the love grow day by day.

I am engaged to a wonderful girl. She has been supportive and loving. She is going to be my second wife. I think now that I have another wonderful soul to take with me through life.

We are looking at March. She is skilled. She is sewing her own dress for the wedding. Her mother and she have teamed up on this. I know her parents are excited but it hardly measures up to what we are feeling now.

I feel giddy. My first wife looks at me and chuckles. She thinks I am funny.

As for the journey I am on studying the mormon faith, it continues. I am reading. I am learning. There is a great deal of information to be covered and learned.

Growing day by day.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Repulsed by 'Christians'

Well, I have seen the bigotry against Mormon faith. I now have an IDEA of what John Smith experienced from other alledgedly Christian faiths towards Mormonism.

Do you know what triggered this? I asked some alledged Christian followers on the pro Christian Polygamy site a question. This site is proports to be a site for Christians who support polygamy. They invoke the name of Christ to promote this cause. Yet they charge you an exhorbitant rate and heavily advertise that you spend even more. So I paid them 30 pieces of silver...er, the fee they requested that is...and joined. I found self righteous narcissistic bigotry.

I was banned from posting because I tried to post a web page that addressed religious tolerance to those who were calling Mormons (all +12 million of them) cultist. Now this was a sad day for christianity. I know not all Christians are schemers and sinner like in this site, but to call Mormons cultist?

Now let's see. In a cult, if you put out a dissenting or different view you are either admonished or kicked out. If you do not follow THEIR party line, same thing happens. This has happened to me on this alledgedly Christian site.

Who is the cult here? The answer is clear.

Not mad at this site. Instead, I PITTY this site and the followers of this cult leader. I think since they breached their contract with me, I should be refunded. Since this sight is more about money than pro-polygamy work, a refund will never happen.

A sad day for Christians (including Mormons, who are ALSO Christians). A SAD, SAD day.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

on my own...

Well, I lost a teacher. Like MOST mormon fundamentalists, I am now on my own.

No matter, God decides my path and that will happen not for the weakness of men, but for the strength of God.

I am looking at the mormon faith. It is very complex.

Learning from the independents and on my own might be a better, less biased way to reach my personal goal of closeness with God.

I have to say one thing. I have not in my limited experience seen any real cohesion.

I am looking at different independent communities. I may find more knowledge, and the courage to teach it, there.

My journey continues.

Saturday, August 4, 2007


I am looking at a lot of what John Smith wrote. It must have been overwhelming to get all this information. I guess that the context of the time in which he received all this information is not too apparent.

My path towards mormonism will be a fundamental change to my life. I see, already, the bigotry of some in the other christian faiths showing up. I also see a lot of the disinformation that has been placed out there to disuade others from learning about fundamental mormonism. This is parallel to the protestant disinformation I saw about Catholicism years ago.

Oh the flaws of man.

One thing I also saw in my studies was a man who uses the cause of plural marriage and the name of God for personal purposes. I am saddened this is happening in the world.

The rode to darkness is littered with the souls of those using Gospel and God for profit.

May God have mercy. May he lead me down the path of his way. May he continue my learning.

Friday, July 27, 2007

It's time to see a professional...

I have decided that the mormon faith, although I am not learned in it yet, is probably for me.

Joseph Smith, in my mind, could have had the experiences I have read about. My engineering logical side says this is possible and for anyone to openly dismiss this is wrong. You see, I do not put limits on God's power. Nor do I question his judgement. If I see fraud, I report it. I see no evidence of fraud in Joseph Smith.

Moreover, the doctrines and covenants are concise and clear.

I have decided to continue down the path. I am bringing a 'guide' on board to help me understand and to get my questions answered.

One quandry this path is putting me in is I do not believe, at this time, my loving and beautiful wife is ready for this.

I think I walk alone. The only one I love more than my wife and children is God himself. So, pray for me. Pray for her. May God keep her at my side to learn with me.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Ask and Ye Shall Receive...

What was that like? Being so young and seeing God and Jesus right in front of you.

I have felt the Holy Spirit go through me like a wave. I have felt it only a few times in my life.

I am only able to imagine what it was like.

I have sought answers to my questions. In 1999 I lost my first son to leukemia. I never heard an answer as to why this happened. I have asked. Am I just not seeing it? Is the answer not there or is it hidden? If I could choose the topic in a holy meeting with God almighty, this would be on the list.

I want to ask God tonight, again, to show me his path. I seek this from God. 'Ask and ye shall receive.' My God hear my prayer.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

a new turn, a good turn?

Sometimes it just confounds me. I feel like the holy spirit is doing something in my life, but then it is hard to identify. The reason this is so disconcerting is my life has been full of engineering.

As an engineer you deal with many definitive things. For example, gravitational acceleration is a constant. I won't get into detail, but suffice it to say engineers deal with a lot that is black and white. Today I see what might be a ray of hope in my journey down the road. I am still exploring the mormon path.

Tonight I was working and it was busy. I talked with a friend and felt a warm wave come over me. Like a tide, rolling quickly in. Was it the Holy Spirit? It felt good. Warm and secure kind of feeling. Intangible. It was there, yet it could not be grasped. Funny how my intellectual side was concerned; it was an undefined variable in the equation of life. My spiritual side suddenly relaxed and said 'aaaaaahhhh'.

In regards to the tangibles...I may be expanding my business to a mormon community. I pray God gives me the light to see the right path.

Pray for me on my journey. Ask God to protect all that I love and guard our future.

Thanks in Advance...

Monday, July 23, 2007

going down the Mormon trail?

This is about me. This is about my footsteps down a trail. I am looking at Mormonism and plural marriage.

I have a fantastic, loving wife. I have children. I have a career and can say that I have found success. Yet there is a gap in my life. I see and feel a gap.

God love her, it is not one my first wife seems able to fill. I started seeking a second wife a year ago. I started my studies into plural marriage. I love my first wife deeply...with an intensity so great, the bond could only have been forged by God.

As I studied plural marriage, the Mormon faith came into view. I am studying it now. For the most part, it seems as though it is an acceptable form of Christianity. There are differences that have provided me with answers that I did not have before.

I have to study it more, but I think it may be the path for me.

Hunkering down and studying more.